Desire-Driven Excerpts | Spectrum Bible

I [N] felt nervous as I stood in the Dallas Theological Seminary bookstore. In a few short weeks I would enter the school as a first year student and I had some serious doubts about my ability to succeed in a program so demanding--especially since my background was engineering and the study of the Bible was basically a liberal arts curriculum.

In engineering, most assignments involved reading a few pages and working out several pages of problems. In DTS, I would be required to read thousands of pages and write several long papers each week.

I knew I needed help with my reading skill so I selected the book How to Read a Book from the bookstore. I figured that should take care of things. Then after I took it home and started reading, I noticed the book was over 400 pages long and school started in a few weeks. So I went back to the bookstore and bought the book How to Read Better and Faster so I could get through How to Read a Book.

The first day of classes arrived and I began the legendary workload. During the first week I got the assignments for the semester for all my classes and spread them out, as best I could, on a large chart then sat back and shuddered. This was too much work. According to my estimates I would need to study 200 hours each week to keep up.

Denise and I both studied the chart trying to decide what to do. It was clear that God called me to help others study the Bible and DTS had the best program to prepare me for that, but I had to face the looming possibility that I could fail at this.

Then Denise suggested a novel idea. She said this was too much work not to enjoy. "What about just doing what you want to do? If you want to study, then study, if not, then don't. If you want to study a particular subject, then study it, if not, then don't. Let your Desire be the guide for what you do and how much you do it. That way, even if you fail, you still get what you wanted from the program."

This sounded like science fiction. I had a natural interest in some of the courses like Greek and Hebrew. But other courses I did not like at all. In one course I needed to explore the oblique process of dating pottery from an archeological site. Plus, my performance in school had only been average up to that point, and I could not see how backing off the push would give me any chance of success.

Then something amazing happened. When I consulted what I wanted to do, I discovered that a surprising amount of the time I wanted to be responsible.

Encouraged by that, I looked at the courses I did not like, to see if there was anything I wanted to learn from them. Surprisingly, when I took this approach I discovered that it was an interesting puzzle to try and guess the age of a piece of pottery given the little bit of information we have to go on. As I surfaced things I wanted to get from my least favorite courses I was surprised to discover what Iwanted from the course was not far from what the professor wanted me to know.

Once I was in touch with what I wanted to do, creativity came out of nowhere and went to work on the 200 hours per week. I found and interviewed people who were good students and learned what worked for them. I learned how to take better notes in class and how to spend less time studying for tests in content classes. I made sure to give the majority of my time to my favorite courses and figured out ways to do the efficient minimum on classes I liked the least.

After all the dust settled, my schedule was possible--all because it was something I wanted to do.

Make no mistake, following my Desire did not guarantee success. In fact, sometimes when there was a lot of pressure and I did not want to study, the idea of following my Desire seemed to work against me.

But, in a very surprising way, following my Desire put me in the best place to succeed because it got me running at peak efficiency, with peak creativity and a positive attitude. It told me when I needed rest and it told me when I could successfully push. The amount of Discipline I needed to get through the rough spots felt reasonable since it was in service of accomplishing what I wanted to do.

Your Desire is your most effective tool in negotiating a collection of conflicting requirements. There is no more effective arbitrator regardless of your personality. Desire helps the hard driving person not burn out. Desire helps the free spirit focus without feeling forced.

But Desire does not live in a vacuum. Your deepest and truest Desires live in the same space as your shallow and passing Desires and with things that seem like Desires but are not.

How can you distinguish your true Desires from the others? Your true Desires surface when you minimize the Desire Squashers and get a clear fix on what you want the most.

What Do You Want?

But, how can we find our Desire for God? I [D] found my Desire for God by pondering the following seven questions for a few months.

Do I want to know God?
How do I want my life to be?
Do I want to do His will for my life?
Do I want to please God?
Do I want to know His heart and what He cares about?
Would I prefer my independence over His will and way?
It might change my priorities. What do I really want?

Answering these questions for yourself is part of the assignment at the end of this chapter. Be honest as you answer them. See where you hesitate. Notice your reactions. This is like taking your spiritual temperature.

You don't have to tell anyone which questions made you uncomfortable. Although if you did, you would find you are not alone, and that is always encouraging for both people.

Being honest with yourself will enable you to see where you are hesitating. Do you have trouble with the questions that encourage you to know God and please Him? Or is your hesitation more centered around giving up your independence in exchange for His guidance? Are you worried that He will ruin your life if you give it to Him?

Noticing where you hesitate gives you valuable information. If your Christian walk sputters unevenly along, knowing where you might be stuck will help you know where to put your effort to smooth things out.

If you don't face your hesitations squarely, you may wonder why you are always stepping on the gas then putting on the brake in your walk with Christ.

Ultimately, facing our hesitations squarely and addressing them, gives us the ability to put our foot on the gas and keep it there. God has given His children a Desire for Him. Our job is to nurture that Desire so it grows.

When an elephant is very young, one end of a rope is tied around one of its feet and the other is tied to a stake in the ground. The elephant is not big enough or strong enough to dislodge the stake so, before long, it stops trying.

After the elephant grows up, the stake is no longer needed. All they have to do is tie one end of a rope around the elephant's foot, leaving the other end free, and the elephant will not attempt to wander off. At an early age the elephant learned that it was impossible to walk away when the rope was tied to its foot, so there is no need to try it again.

The experiences you have when you are young and the way you chose to respond to those experiences become a collection of learned patterns that follow you throughout life. They are lessons you have learned and conclusions you have made about yourself and the world around you.

Since these patterns were learned at an early age they have been integrated into your collection of automatic reactions and you seldom, if ever, question your automatic reactions.

In most cases those patterns are helpful. Lessons you learned as a child like "Don't run into a street when a car is coming," "Don't touch a hot stove," "Hard work pays off," and "Honesty is the best policy" provide healthy automatic patterns for adult behavior.

But some patterns you learned were only appropriate when you were a small child in a difficult situation like "Stay clear of dad, he is always in a bad mood," "Make sure you are no trouble to anyone so you don't make mom feel worse," or "My parents don't come through for me so I won't count on people." Even though you don't need these patterns after you grow up, they have been integrated into your collection of automatic reactions and you continue to live by them. These inappropriate patterns can cause you to behave in ways that may not make sense to your current situation.

This can be especially true when you deal with God because we come to Him as a family member--our Father. Also He treats us like family (Galatians 4:6-7), and Jesus treats us like family (Matthew 12:50). So our natural response back to God is a family response. That is when our learned Family of Origin patterns kick in. Your Family of Origin is the family you grew up in. Most of the time, the patterns you respond with are appropriate and make sense to apply toward God.

But when our learned patterns are not appropriate to apply toward God, they become Family of Origin Issues (FOOI pronounced FOO eee) and need to be updated.

Family of Origin Issues

There are two kinds of experiences in your Family of Origin that can hinder your walk with God.

The first is if you trusted a significant adult in your past and then got burned. If that is the background you bring to the Christian life, it may be harder for you to trust God.

Now, some people are hesitant to think about their Family Of Origin Issues (FOOI pronounced FOO eee). They think if they do so, they are being disloyal to their parents. But, if you are willing to face unfinished business that is still affecting you today, you will end up able to love your parents more, not less. You will no longer be a "victim" of your outdated automatic reactions.

Parents are responsible for taking care of their children from birth until 18 years of age. Once you turn 18, you are responsible to take over the care of yourself, not your parents.

If you are a parent and you unwittingly did something that hurt your child, would you want them to stand before God and say "my parents damaged me a bit so I wasn't able to serve You very much?" Or would you want them to face the problem, take responsibility and fix it so they could be good stewards of the life God has given them?

If you face your unfinished business, you are not being disloyal, you are being responsible. It probably makes sense that FOOI can hinder your personal relationships, but it may be surprising to discover that it can also hinder you spiritually? (see Mark 4:7).

Mark 4:7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. (NIV1984)

I [D] think the "thorns" that choked out the fruitfulness of the plants in Mark 4:7 could be unfinished business from past FOOI. These patterns are automatic and can significantly hinder your ability to give yourself wholeheartedly to our heavenly Father.

Are there issues, related to growing up, that may be choking out your fruitfulness? For instance, if one of your parents was unavailable emotionally, you might be tempted to think God will also be unavailable to you.

The second way you might have experienced FOOI is if you encountered unique circumstances like the loss of a parent for example. That is how I [D] experienced FOOI. My father died unexpectedly when I was 3 years old. Because of that, I found that total surrender to the Lord was unusually hard. Because of my FOOI I feared something catastrophic might happen. I didn't realize that I was living my adult life from a three year old's mind-set. My three year old mind-set said that life "happens" to you. You have no power or options. It is all "God's sovereignty" and no "man's responsibility." Unlike most adults who take responsibility and make use of their resources, I had a three year old's powerless mind-set. This made me more worried about surrendering to God because I felt powerless to deal with what He might allow.

Family of Origin Issues can Distort Bible Study

Whatever FOOI you may have picked up along the way follows you into every area of your Christian life. FOOI can even contaminate how you interpret the Bible.

For example, when you read Romans 3:23 you could have one of a few different responses.

Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (NIV1984)

In a balanced response you might be sobered. You would figure that we all might fall short, but there is some relief in the fact that we are all in the same boat. It would also be a relief to learn that God is not in the boat. He is greater than us.

But a FOOI response might say, "God is impossible to please just like my dad (or mom). They were impossible to please. I always fell short of their requirements no matter what I did. God might have paid for my sins, but I am convinced that He is not OK with me."

Be careful not to put your FOOI on God. If you could never please a parent, that parent was not OK.

I heard of a teenage boy who could never please his father. The boy was excited when he got straight A's on his report card. He thought to himself, "Now dad will have to be pleased." But when he showed the report card to his father, his father slammed his fist onto the table and said, "I knew you could get all A's. You have been holding out on me. Why haven't you been doing this all along?"

If you had a parent who could never be pleased, there was something wrong in their life. Don't put your parent's face on God and you will get much more from your Bible study.

Get to Know God

The antidote for much of FOOI is to get to know God. He is your new parent and is very reasonable and kind. The better you know Him and replace old patterns with patterns consistent with what God is really like, the less your FOOI will contaminate your present life.

One helpful way to get to know God is to start compiling a list that describes what God is like. As you study a passage and learn a new trait of God's character, add it to your list and begin to get a profile of your new parent. Here are some traits to get you started.

God is slow to anger
(Exodus 34:6)
God's mercies are new every morning
(Lamentations 3:23)
God is rich in kindness
(Ephesians 2:7)
God is Holy
(1 Samuel 2:2) (Isaiah 6:3)
God always does what is right
(Genesis 18:25)
God is perfect
(Deuteronomy 32:4)
God is not needy
(Acts 17:25)
God is love
(1 John 4:16)
God never sins when He is angry
(Deuteronomy 32:4)
God made a way for me to be forgiven
(John 3:16)
God has my best interest in mind
(Luke 11:13)

Identify How God Differs From Your Parents

As you get a profile of what God is like, pay particular attention to how He differs from your parents. You might be surprised to learn what "delights" God in Jeremiah 9:24.

Jeremiah 9:24 "Boast in this... that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight." (NIV1984)

In Jeremiah 9:24 God asserts that He wants us to understand and know the real Him. He doesn't want us to mistake Him for a flawed composite of our parents.

If you ask a seven year old what God is like, he or she will describe their dad or their most significant parent. That is normal and good. God has designed the family to teach children about Him.

It is OK for a seven year old to think God is like his parents but it may not be so appropriate for an adult to think God is like his earthly parents. For example, God doesn't have a hair trigger temper or a mean streak, or whatever flaw may have characterized your parents.

If you find yourself having trouble trusting God, see if your difficulty might be connected to FOOI. Get quiet and notice more carefully what feeling you are having about God--fear, anger, sadness, or something else. See if your feeling seems "old" and well practiced. Do you remember frequently feeling like this in response to a parent?

As you think about your response, start thinking about how God differs from your parents. If you are worried that God is explosive because you had an explosive dad, start listing how God is different. For example He is slow to anger, His mercies are new every morning, He made the way for you to be forgiven.

Sometimes we have learned responses to life situations from the past. For example, if things are going well yet you have trouble enjoying it, that could be a learned response. Who did you learn it from?

Maybe mom was volatile and moody and you couldn't trust her "good mood" because you knew her good mood could turn on a dime and you needed to be ready to duck. That is a learned response and it can easily contaminate your relationship with God.

You are most vulnerable to these kind of reactions when God is leading you through a time of waiting. If you are not getting what you want, you will want to know why. If you can't see a reason, you will fill in the reason from what is familiar--from FOOI.

When you are trying to trust God, but feel troubled because of FOOI, it helps to...

Get quiet and pray for wisdom
Write down what your response to God is--fear, sadness, anger,...?
Look for the source of your response--is it learned from a parent, is it similar to how you responded to a parent?
Write down how God differs from your parent concerning this issue.

These steps help you surface the FOOI pattern that is distracting you and it helps you learn something about God that can give you relief from the difficult life experience.

If you had difficult parents, Psalm 27:10 says that God is kind and will receive you. God is not like our flawed parents. He must get weary of the accusation.

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. (NIV1984)

If you find yourself struggling with the idea of authority, for example, and suspect that FOOI may be involved, consider this: Ice cream is delicious unless it is jammed down your throat. But ice cream is still delicious. The problem is not with the ice cream but with the manner in which it is served.

If you had difficult parents and they jammed "authority" down your throat, the problem is not with authority, but with how it was served. God won't jam it down your throat. He is kind.

Start tuning in to your reactions as you study the Bible and serve God. When you detect a FOOI pattern at work, surface what is going on and distinguish how God differs from the significant authorities of the past.

Surfing was very popular when I [N] was growing up in Southern California so I gave it a try. Wow, I can still see the first time a wave lifted me, I stood on the board, navigated to the shoulder of the wave and had my first long ride. It was exhilarating, it was refreshing, and it was fun.

But surfing takes place in a very small area of the wave. Surfing in a crowded area is much like driving on the freeway during rush hour. Everyone is tightly packed together, taking risks, and operating on a system of unwritten rules that go far beyond the motor vehicle code. Invariably at crowded surfing spots tempers would flare and fights would break out.

I loved surfing but as a young kid and an Introvert, I didn't want anything to do with the fights. So, I switched surfing styles from standup-up surfing to spooning (a style like boogie boarding). This provided a natural separation between me and the fighting element so I could surf within my comfort zone. The only problem was that spooning was not as fun as stand-up surfing.

As an adult, I spent 15 years out of state. When I returned to Southern California I was eager to get back into surfing. As I reoriented myself, I had to decide if I was going to continue spooning or go back to stand-up surfing. I was not a kid any more and the reasons I had avoided stand-up surfing seemed silly, so I got a surfboard and went for it.

Eventually the thing I dreaded happened--my board and a hot head's board touched and I found myself in an unavoidable fight in the water. Fortunately, I got the upper hand and was able to keep him at bay. But I hated the whole intimidation atmosphere where people threaten to kill each other over a bumped board.

As I drove home from the beach that day I faced a decision. How badly did I want to surf? Was I willing to go beyond my comfort zone and take on these kinds of people or not? It took a long time for me to sort this out and I came close to giving up surfing and taking up another kind of exercise.

But in the end I decided, as an adult, I could make choices that improved my situation, and I could go after what I really wanted. It just might be uncomfortable for a while.

So, I decided to improve my situation. I surfed at less crowded spots and honed my surfing skills. Then I went to more crowded spots and would sit in the midst of the lineup watching others position for the waves and take or yield right-of-way. As I watched, I discovered a whole network of unspoken rules that went way beyond the basic right-of-way rules in surfing. Eventually, I got to the place where I was comfortable surfing in crowded areas and could successfully negotiate the hotheads.

It is never easy to step out of your comfort zone. But, as an adult, you are able to make decisions that improve your situation and help you skillfully negotiate the discomfort until you reach the goal.

Introverts and Extroverts

Responding to God

Our FOOI can make it harder for us to obey God's word and step out of our comfort zone. For example, in 1 John 1:9 God challenges us that if we step out of our comfort zone (confess our sins), we will receive forgiveness. This verse is pretty straightforward but our background may slant how we respond to it.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgiveus our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (NIV1984)

Growing up, if you were never held accountable, you will tend to blame others for your mistakes. This is called Projection. You Project blame onto others. You say, "My problems are someone else's fault."

If this is your tendency, when you read this verse you probably have trouble thinking of anything to confess because everything is someone else's fault. You push responsibility off yourself and onto others so you don't think the verse applies to you much.

On the other hand, when you were growing up, if you believed most things were your fault, you learn to Introject, or take on too much responsibility. You blame yourself inappropriately. This person says, "If the people around me are angry or sad, it is probably my fault."

People that approach life from this point of view worry that they are really forgiven. When they come to 1 John 1:9 they have trouble believing that they have confessed well enough. Saying you are sorry to a critical parent doesn't usually help much.

But 1 John 1:9 is very simple and straightforward. We confess--He is faithful and just to forgive. We complicate it with FOOI. It does not say He will forgive if we confess with just the right tone and expression on our face. We just have to confess, He is the faithful One and will forgive.

A balanced person takes responsibility for their sin, takes God at His word, and confesses. That's it.

Know Your Tendency

I [D] have noticed in my private practice that Introverts tend to Introject. They tend to accept too much responsibility for a problem. Extroverts tend to Project. They don't accept enough responsibility. That's why Extroverts feel good most of the time--nothing is ever their fault.

Now there are balanced Introverts and balanced Extroverts who accept responsibility for their part and no more. It is helpful to notice your tendency so you can correct for it.

Noel is an Introvert and tends to Introject. I'm [D] more of an Extrovert and tend to Project. When we were first married I inadvertently got away with murder. I Projected and assigned the blame for things and he Introjected and accepted it! Then after a few years he wised up and figured it couldn't always be all his fault. Now it is better for both of us. It is better for me to be accountable for my part so I can grow, and it is better for him not to be shouldering all the blame.

Making Someone Mad?

Let me [D] say a word to those of you who Introject and accept too much responsibility. In our culture it is common to hear the phrase, "You make me so mad." That is an overstatement. You don't have the power to make anyone mad without their permission.

When our kids were in school, one of their teachers always got under my skin. Every time I was around him, I found myself getting angry. Then one day I had too much going on to be reacting to him, so I decided to be apathetic about his behavior that day. That was the day I first realized that he didn't have the power to make me angry. His behavior was irritating, but I did not have to be irritated. It wasn't worth the effort.

Have you ever tried to cheer up someone who doesn't want to be cheered up? Has anyone tried to cheer you up when you weren't done being angry or sad? You are not going to be cheered up until you decide you are ready. You are the only person with control over your emotions.

We don't have power to control another person's emotions. Some people have allowed themselves to become very reactive to everyone around them, but they are choosing to be reactive. They could learn to be more apathetic to some of the stimulus around them.

You are not responsible for someone else's anger. You are responsible for your own behavior.

Humility is Answer for Both

Humility is the answer for both the Introvert and the Extrovert. If you Introject and accept too much blame, you need to know your limits. Humble yourself and realize you are not as powerful as you think. You can not control the people around you.

If you Project and don't accept enough blame, you need to humble yourself and take responsibility for your sins. You are not perfect.

Get to Know God

The best way to keep your FOOI from distorting your experience with God is to get to know God.

For example, if you find you are having trouble trusting God, see if you are reacting to Him like you reacted to one of your parents. If so, contrast what that parent is like against what God is like. The better you know God, the better you will neutralize your FOOI. He is certainly different than your parents. Keep adding to your list of what God is like.

In Psalm 34:18-19 God reminds us how strong and compassionate He is. He delivers us from all our troubles.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; (NIV1984)

Dr. Tony Evans said when he was a boy, his parents got him a punching bag that sat on the floor and would rock back and forth as he punched on it. One day he punched it so hard it ricocheted around the room, bouncing off the walls, boom, boom, boom, until it finally righted itself on the floor and began to sway back and forth, bing, bing, bing--bink!

He said that is what life can seem like at times. We are ricocheting off the walls of life, bouncing around, but God will right us. We will go boom, boom, boom, bing, bing, bing--bink! He delivers us from all our troubles. When you need to move beyond your comfort zone it is good to know that God is right there promising to deliver you.

Getting to know God will smooth out your FOOI and it will provide true comfort that is absent from Deceitful Desires. According to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (NIV1984)

Are you looking to God for comfort? He stands ready to give it. Or are you looking to something else for comfort: a new gadget or car, the mall, food, TV, work, or leisure?

It took all of us awhile to select what we turn to for comfort. We didn't just instantly know the foods that would provide the most comfort, or the best videos or TV shows to watch to cheer us up. We figured that out by experimenting. We need to do the same thing when turning to God for comfort. It might take you awhile to figure out how to read the Bible and ask God specifically for comfort, but it is worth the effort.

As you practice asking God for comfort, take note of your attitude. Do you have a chip on your shoulder and a resistance to being "cheered up?" If you aren't ready to be cheered up, you won't allow God to comfort you. Get your attitude ready, then look to God for comfort.